There is one question of late that I’ve been getting a lot
and that is ‘so, what are you doing?’ It is a valid question. It is a good
question.
Well, for those of you who haven’t heard, I’m now living in
Sydney or rather, in Liverpool (NSW). I’m officially still with OM Australia
but working remotely and from home. My responsibilities are a little hazy
though most of what I do is much of the same as when I was based in the head
office in Melbourne. I still help out with the website, with various
communications, with little projects for national events such as preparing for
the Ship Presentation Team who will be in Australia in April till June.
Of course, the main purpose of my moving to Sydney is to
spend more time with Jacob. It was funny being in the same country and seeing
him more often than when we lived on separate continents but still seeing him
less than what some people expected of an engaged couple. And so, for the
purpose of learning more about the life that lies ahead of both of us, the move
to Sydney has been somewhat successful. I am learning more about the challenges
ahead, trying to prepare for them but also learning about Christ’s love for His
church through Jacob’s love for me.
This morning as I was reading through ‘A Disruptive Faith’
by A W Tozer (yes, ANOTHER book push) and particularly the chapter about “spiritual perfection”
following yesterday’s chapter about rest, I find myself truly challenged in the
area of maturity. There was a small part of the chapter that used the rich
young ruler from Matthew 19 (Mark 10, Luke 18) as an illustration. For someone
who thinks they have made significant progress in natural, moral and religious
standards, spiritual maturity or perfection does not seem too far off but there
is still that question “What lack I yet?” Man’s idea of perfection always
excludes Christ, to reach man’s highest ideal without Jesus. Jesus’ answer is
then quite startling in Matthew 19:21 “If you wish to be complete, go and sell
your possessions and give to the poor, and you shall have treasure in heaven;
and come, follow Me.” I used to think this was just about materialism in the
physical sense of having everything but nothing. I now think it is so much more
than that.
Every now and then, I feel like I have everything, possibly
not materially but let’s not go there. What I mean is that, I feel that I’ve
already done the best that I can. I have responded kindly and as graciously as
possible to those who I’d rather not talk to at all. I have done what has been
asked of me by various authorities. I have not committed any felonies. I read
my Bible. I go to church. I feel like I’ve ticked all the boxes as if there was
a quota for maturity. When I spell it out as I’ve just done, I now feel just
the opposite really. This probably explains my restlessness of late. Working from home either means sitting in my bedroom staring
at my little laptop screen for hours on end or ignoring work and trying to get
some fresh air outside around the neighbourhood. The first couple of weeks were
the toughest when there seemed to be days before I had a proper conversation
with someone other than Jacob. I get this mentality that spending time alone
with the Lord is all well and good but what else am I doing? My dad made a
remark on the phone some weeks ago about the danger of finding self-worth in
what I do and ironically, I think that’s exactly what I’m doing. It is a huge
struggle at the moment to feel useful, of some worth when I’m alone. I feel
restless as if I need to keep busy in order to please God. Can God really be
happy with my just sitting here… maybe writing a few emails, making a few phone
calls, cooking dinner?
Well, of course it’s not enough. Nothing I can ever do will
ever be enough and I can never find rest in trying to work my way to man’s
idea, my idea of perfection. It’s time to let go of this idea, to let go of all
that I am and think that I ought to be, to be doing. My purpose is found in
Christ and it is ridiculously easy to forget. It is hard for a rich man to
enter into rest (Matthew 19:23) but with God, all things are possible (Matthew
19:26). “Thou has created us for Thyself and we are restless until we rest
fully in Thee” (Confessions of St. Augustine).
So what am I doing? I’m resting in the Lord and when the
call comes, I’ll be ready.
